Commitment. How is it that society has burned into the minds of an entire generation that commitment is a terrifying word?
Divorce is a fad, possibly even trendy. I learned last week that people now have 'divorce parties' similar to bachelor and anniversary celebrations. We are so insecure that facing our failures is too difficult, we must turn them into a happy, joyous events. I must admit, commitment is one of the most difficult things I face in my life. I can internally be so driven and focused on something but when it comes to actually sharing that feeling/goal/emotion I freeze dead in my tracks.
If I promise something to myself and put myself in a vulnerable spot I have two options: success or failure. On the other hand...if I chose to promise myself there is nothing I want I cannot fail or succeed because there is nothing to be determined. I can't fail, but I can't win...so I can't fail.
What is the point of this rant? Good question.
I had (what my Mom would call) a 'breakthrough' a few weeks ago. In our training for my new job we went through what was called 'Diversity Training.' My first thought went a little like this, "UUUGHHGHGHAHSGADFSDAHFHASD. This is going to be awful." [I suggest reading that out loud, you'll know better how I felt] I was wrong. I put myself in one of the most vulnerable spaces I have ever been, with complete strangers nonetheless. I developed relationships, cried (sue me), and faced one of my biggest monsters in life, my insecurities.
At the end of the two days we were asked to write on a squared board our biggest challenge or obstacle preventing from be coming who we want to be. Everyone was asking 'why?' 'What are we doing with this" blah blah blah...I knew EXACTLY what we were doing with those boards and I wanted nothing more than to run for the door. I grabbed my marker and wrote in big block letters "INSECURITY." There, I said it. I'm and insecure person. We went into the other room and sat in a circle where two pillars were in the middle. Yes, I was right. We were going to break the board with our bare hands. I couldn't stop thinking about what would happen if I was the ONLY person to not break the board.
To save this from being the never ending story I went up in front of everyone, showed the word I had written and stated out loud that I was insecure. Somehow, I broke the thing. Let's just be honest for a minute...that board could have been broken by a three-year-old but it was still scary. Never had I felt more confident looking up at 35 people I had known just a few days and having so much support and encouragement.
Why am I telling this story now? I've lost sight of my commitment. I'm insecure and scared again. After a nice boring evening by myself and chats on the phone (my new hobby apparently) I realize how lucky I am. There is nothing to be afraid of, and I can recommit to not being afraid of sharing myself with others. I'll probably lose sight again, but I hope this board in my room can be a friendly reminder when I need it.
"You worry much about things you don't understand
But don't give up, if it doesn't go with the plan
Why not have some fun
While you're still young and still ok
Cause life is short
Do what you can today today"
-Asa
"Why Can't We"
