open your mind.

'The Devine in me honors the Devine in you.'

A phrase I've heard many times in Yoga practice. It's such a remarkable phrase when said sincerely. Sometimes we forget that although God may mean something completely different to others, everyone believes in good. In my opinion, it doesn't really matter if you believe in God or a creator at all, feeling a connection with positive thoughts and experiences is something everyone seeks whether they want to admit it or not.

Today I practiced Yoga for the first time in a while. I went to a new studio which turned out to be much more advanced (high quality?) than I had expected. I sweat myself to death, and gave it my best shot. As I was putting on my shoes the teacher came over and said "What a beautiful energy you added to our practice today, thank you."

I don't even know her name...but what a positive impact she had on me. Sometimes the most simple efforts evolve into amazing results. Being genuine makes kind works meaningful.

Hopefully I give someone that joy someday.

Namaste, creeps.

:)

not in the mood for a title.

Commitment. How is it that society has burned into the minds of an entire generation that commitment is a terrifying word?

Divorce is a fad, possibly even trendy. I learned last week that people now have 'divorce parties' similar to bachelor and anniversary celebrations. We are so insecure that facing our failures is too difficult, we must turn them into a happy, joyous events. I must admit, commitment is one of the most difficult things I face in my life. I can internally be so driven and focused on something but when it comes to actually sharing that feeling/goal/emotion I freeze dead in my tracks.

If I promise something to myself and put myself in a vulnerable spot I have two options: success or failure. On the other hand...if I chose to promise myself there is nothing I want I cannot fail or succeed because there is nothing to be determined. I can't fail, but I can't win...so I can't fail.

What is the point of this rant? Good question.

I had (what my Mom would call) a 'breakthrough' a few weeks ago. In our training for my new job we went through what was called 'Diversity Training.' My first thought went a little like this, "UUUGHHGHGHAHSGADFSDAHFHASD. This is going to be awful." [I suggest reading that out loud, you'll know better how I felt] I was wrong. I put myself in one of the most vulnerable spaces I have ever been, with complete strangers nonetheless. I developed relationships, cried (sue me), and faced one of my biggest monsters in life, my insecurities.

At the end of the two days we were asked to write on a squared board our biggest challenge or obstacle preventing from be coming who we want to be. Everyone was asking 'why?' 'What are we doing with this" blah blah blah...I knew EXACTLY what we were doing with those boards and I wanted nothing more than to run for the door. I grabbed my marker and wrote in big block letters "INSECURITY." There, I said it. I'm and insecure person. We went into the other room and sat in a circle where two pillars were in the middle. Yes, I was right. We were going to break the board with our bare hands. I couldn't stop thinking about what would happen if I was the ONLY person to not break the board.

To save this from being the never ending story I went up in front of everyone, showed the word I had written and stated out loud that I was insecure. Somehow, I broke the thing. Let's just be honest for a minute...that board could have been broken by a three-year-old but it was still scary. Never had I felt more confident looking up at 35 people I had known just a few days and having so much support and encouragement.

Why am I telling this story now? I've lost sight of my commitment. I'm insecure and scared again. After a nice boring evening by myself and chats on the phone (my new hobby apparently) I realize how lucky I am. There is nothing to be afraid of, and I can recommit to not being afraid of sharing myself with others. I'll probably lose sight again, but I hope this board in my room can be a friendly reminder when I need it.

"You worry much about things you don't understand
But don't give up, if it doesn't go with the plan
Why not have some fun
While you're still young and still ok
Cause life is short
Do what you can today today"

-Asa
"Why Can't We"

Play the Game.

Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas.

Whaaat?

Not that I thought I was throwing myself into a comfortable situation. Don't ask my Mom about the week/days/minutes/seconds leading up to the beginning of my new life. I don't wanna talk about it.

My 'big boy' job. Who knew dreams coming true could be so terrifying? Maybe it's because failure seems so easy. You have someone/something to blame for your being unhappy and upset. Granted I'm not entirely sure if I would call this opportunity a 'dream come true' but it would be selfish of me to not acknowledge that I have been blessed.

Vegas. What a strange idea. Lately I've been obsessed with the idea of juxtaposition. Shoving two things right next to each other sometimes it's awkward, other times flawless. Vegas has such beauty and glamour thrashed in with ugly poverty. In the short time I've lived here it's been obvious poverty isn't simply being financially poor. You can be the most financially wealthy human being and still be horrendously hideous and poverty stricken. We all have beauty as well as ugly; however, some choose to focus on one more than the other.

Memories of my Dad come screaming into my mind every day I drive to work. My Dad and I adored this city. Maybe it's because he simply wanted to spend time with me, but I like to think he saw the same fantasy and escape I did. We both loved adventure, experience, and the unbeaten path. My first real 'business' meeting was in this city with him. We were a joke, ridiculous. I will always remember all the things I learned from that experience. Now that I can take the same determination with a stronger foundation beneath me I like to think he would be proud of me. I know he is proud.

A Vegas resident 10 days and counting. I've never felt so appreciated, supported, rejected, humiliated, terrified, confident, optimistic, floored, excited, devastated, loved, judged, motivated, insecure, and accepted in my life. I've met so many great people that have no idea what they have taught me not to mention I don't deserve the great group I get to call my family.

Who knows what the next nine months have in store. I can't wait to find out.

Cheers.

I've got a love that comes in colors.

Got a voice that comes in screaming.

I love driving during the summer. Few things are as exciting as the windows down and the perfect song blasting your speakers out.

Boring post? You must be a boring person.

Futile Devices.

New obsession. Songs that I used to hate because they were boring/weird/annoying/not exciting/didn't make the best first impression etc.etc.etc.

Why is this my new obsession? I can't explain it. Can you describe your infatuations? your agonies? OK. You thought you just diagnosed me being incapable of expressing myself. Good one. Try describing something in a way another person can experience the sensation exactly as you do.

That's what is so perfect about true art. It's unexplainable. You don't see/hear something, you experience it. Sure, we can take certain forms of art and see them as great - rip it to shreds and put it back together in a manner others agree with - but it might not be possible for two people to genuinely see 'eye to eye' on creations that allow moments of true emotion to be profited.

This is one of those gems. Can't explain why I love it, but if you give it a chance...you might just fall in love like I did.



"And I would say I love you
But saying it out loud is hard

So I won't say it at all
And I won't stay very long

But you are life I needed all along...
...And words are futile devices "

A Tolerable Space

If your mind is centered around Hell, you will never find Heaven. When you center your thoughts around Heaven, even Hell seems a tolerable space.

The Show Must Go On.

Watching the movie "Water for Elephants" I really found myself at a crossroads. Did I like the movie? Did I hate it? Which road was I going to take? I often find myself at this point generally 30-45 minutes into a film. You can only imagine how annoying it is to watch an entire film and the last 5 minutes completely change my decision.

This idea immediately made my mind up for me:

"Life is a show. You simply must play your part because everything is an illusion anyway."

Society is fake, an illusion. We do what we're told. Be who we're told. Act how we're told. For what? Who knows. Possibly to not be noticed. Are we all that afraid of ourselves that we just play our part? It's not that the idea angers me, it frightens.

Looking back at the past 5 or 6 years of my life, it could be completely different had I made other decisions, done what I was told. At church they always use the 'railroad' reference saying how 'off path' you get from a few simple, alleged, wrong decisions. Are those decisions really wrong? Can we ever end up in the wrong place? Or is it simply how we react to life. Even still...is that reaction just part of our illusion, what/who we want others to think we are?

This made me flash back to days when I was involved in theater. During rehearsal when you are 'off book' and forget a line you call out "LINE" and someone reads the first few words to get you back on track. That's nice and all, but during a performance you can't just scream out "LINE" and have someone rushing to the rescue. You must make it work, get from A to B without throwing the show off course. Maybe life is a show. We never got rehearsals so others than have been through the 'scenes' tell us what our lines should be. The only problem is...the scenes can never be the same for two people.

I'm not sure why I found this so intriguing, but I did. Is life really just a show? A game? We go through life with all these different influences telling us what to do, who to be, what to like, even love. Parts are written, costumes designed, all we have to do is jump on the stage and give our best performance. Excited for opening night?

You decide.

Faster

unfold. Find yourself, lose yourself.
become bold. retreat. become bolder again.
it’s all there. the arch of your story laid out.
that’s ballsy.

-Matt Nathanson

Just Breathe

Yes, I understand that every life must end,
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go,
Oh I'm a lucky man, to count on both hands
the ones I love,

Some folks just have one,
yeah, others, they've got none,

Stay with me,
Let's just breathe.

Practiced are my sins,
never gonna let me win,
Under everything, just another human being,
Yeah, I don't wanna hurt, there's so much in this world
to make me bleed.

Stay with me,
You're all I see.

Just Breathe, Pearl Jam

Why the cowboy picture? Longer story than you'd think. Short version is the film 'Buck.' Haven't seen it? Find a way. Don't like horses? Neither did I. Someday I'll get around to posting a few ways Buck's story influenced my life for the better. For today, the connection to Buck is the song that plays during the ending credits, Just Breathe by Pearl Jam.

Recently I noticed what a gift it is to simply breathe. After going to yoga for years I've heard the instructor over and over encouraging 'keep your breath' 'remember your breath' 'appreciate your breath.' all it began to sound like is "blah blah blah"...right? Wrong. After a night class that was equally exhausting and rewarding I opened my eyes during our meditative portion of class (I'm a cheater, sue me). I looked up to see my teacher cradling her pregnant belly with both arms and head bowed. Yeah, doesn't sound like anything too life changing but it made an impression on me. Instead of going through the motions of Yoga, finishing class, and getting on with her life - something I have done far too many times - she wanted to connect with something more important than anything else to her at that moment. Someone she's never met. She took the time to just breathe.

Why didn't I appreciate something so simple? Why don't I find gratitude in the easiest ways? It seems many get caught up in 'searching for blessings' or things to be thankful for. Prayer isn't a time where you fold your arms, nod your head down, and vocalize the things you're supposed to say. It's a chance to connect with something greater. I found a definition that called prayer "volitional rapport to a god or spirit through deliberate practice." I've made it a point to deliberately practice gratitude concerning things I take for granted (many, many things) then I can begin to expand. First on that list - Breath.

Take a minute. Hit the lights. Breathe. You might find something in yourself you've never realized. I did.

a toast.

to nearest
to dearest
to the crew
to cahoots
to the ones who've been there
to the ones who'll be there
to dropping everything
to saving anything
to no judgements
to no doubts
to loyalty
to trust
to favors
to lifelongs
to been too long
to nothing's changed
to having history
to having your back
to moving away
to never too far
to growing up
to settling down
to living young
to your second family
to friends
to yourself.

Can't take credit for (all of) this. Saw it in a magazine months ago, took a picture with my phone, and added what I wanted.

I love the idea of having 'a toast.' Not an obnoxious clink your glasses all over the place just to think you're swanky, but the true and sincere expression of honor and goodwill. Society has somehow let the charm of being personal and genuine slip through the cracks. What a shame. So, 'hear hear' to all those that maintain the practice of being personal. Let those that matter to you know.

Cheers.

Absolute Clarity

"Few times in my life...absolute clarity. Silence drowns out noise and I can feel. Everything is suddenly fresh"

I try to find moments like these in my life. They have the ability to pull you back into the present, reality. Clarity, no matter how difficult to obtain, helps a person realize everything is exactly the way it is supposed to be.

The film "A Single Man" is unique to say the least. Obviously written, directed, produced...etc. by a fashion designer; every shot is so well put together it's difficult to find a moment that isn't beautiful. I'm not even sure if I would recommend the film because of dark subject, weird story, not for your typical 'movie' enjoyment; however, it did have something to offer.

In one moment, a perfect sunset is shown from the parking lot of the liquor store (juxtaposition?). A random 'Rico Suave' struggling foreign actor mentions that sometimes the most awful situations provide the most beautiful moments. This moment made me flash back to the day my family laid our father to rest. There was a picture taken of us in the cemetery; the first honest picture we have taken as a family in years (possibly the first of our adult lives). Each of us may be able to argue 'my hair looks stupid' or 'I don't like my smile' but none of that mattered. It was understandably one of the most horribly grueling and overwhelming days of our lives, yet the picture provides absolute clarity of how we all felt. We love each other; we were together; that's all that mattered. Thanks Mom, for being the obsessive picture taker at the most annoying possible times. All your work paid off. Our first family picture that wasn't forced, awkward, or overthought. It was honest.



"It's not often that we are able to connect with a real person. I cherish those moments."

-George, "A Single Man"

Perfect Sense.

Perfect Sense. A term that may be interpreted in many different ways, given the context.

A movie I wasn't terribly excited about seeing at Sundance this year ended up being one of my most influential experiences the 10 days had to offer. It was raw, dirty, quiet, fragile, and had all the honesty one could ask from an artist (possibly too much, Mom). Sure, it's not a film most would come away with much; however, I found so much perspective and simplicity in a story that was as abstract as they come. Am I psychotic? Probably. At least I can find ways to enjoy it every now and then.

Expect the worst and hope for the best. Discover what you value and chase after it; really find what you cherish in your life. In this process of discovery don't be afraid to fight, forgive; love, hate; feel, numb; chase, withdraw; fail, succeed.

Life is much more than flour and fat. Although they allow you to survive, it is more insightful to live adventurously than be dull.

"I can say it but you won't believe me
You say you do, but you don't decieve me
Dead hearts are everywhere..."

Dead Hearts - Stars

I stole my personality from an annonymous source

And I'm gonna pay for it too, I don't feel bad about that





Sitting at UVU wasting time as usual. With the iPod on shuffle 'Song Away' by Hockey came on. Never really felt that impressed by it before but with it being the 'New Year' when everyone is starting over and making goals that will last for 2 weeks I noticed I am, myself, forging into unknown territory. I'm graduating, maybe.

I've always been scared of new beginnings/adventures. (who isn't) Maybe that's why every time I am about to do something exciting and fun I have a psycho phase for a few hours and manage to make everyone I am going with wish they never knew me. I guess how I get through those unexplainable feelings is knowing that 'tomorrow's just a song away...'

"Make me a deal and make it good for me
I wont get full of myself, coz i cant afford to be
This is small town music, this is big town music
He's ahead of his time you know but, he cant use it
If only he could prove it

Tomorrows just a song away, a song away, a song away
Tomorrows just a song away, a song away, a song away
Its just a song away

Hey

See what your man has done to the world
see what the world has done to your man
You know im leaving you, you dont need me
Lovin you wasnt always so easy

This is believe me music, this is forget me music
This is who can love me you know, this aint no roxy music
This is new form music, this is old form music
This is i paid attention not some makes his prediction music
Oh he could let me use it

Tomorrows just a song away, a song away, a song away
Tomorrows just a song away, a song away, a song away
Its just a song away"